I MADE IT!

I made it through this week and I was able to hold my own against my unpredictable Bipolar tendencies! I had a couple of late mornings, but I was able to make up the hours staying late a couple of nights, which was completely worth it! I am supposed to work 35 hours per week and I just made it to 34! Pretty good for dealing with being an unreasonable zombie! This is also the reason that I haven’t been posting anything lately! I’ve been working extremely hard on a project now, and it has been a while since I have been so enthralled and dedicated to something at work.

In other news, I am now taking 75mg of Seroquel daily (up from 50mg). My psychiatrist says it’s great that I have even been responding at all to such small doses, but that my life is not back to normal quite yet.

I will be thinking about interesting posts to write over the weekend to balance out this super dry, informative one. If you have any ideas/things you want to know about me, holler!

Oversleeping: Simple Accident or Depression?!?

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I HATE oversleeping. But in the moment I’m lost in a dreamland that is tucked away too far from reality to care. I’d say I’m about 70% productive right now. I’m going to work, but a lot of the time it’s late and sometimes I don’t come in until 1 or 2 if I oversleep. It’s hard because I’ll have a day where I’m 90% of my normal productivity and then the next day WHAM!, the train of exhaustion and oversleeping comes out of nowhere.

What has been happening to me sporadically has been an “accident” of sorts. I wake up in the morning (feeling like P. Diddy) to my alarm and I’m still zonked out from the Seroquel. So I’m sorta like a zombie and don’t have any normal brain function yet and get back in my bed. I am a very heavy sleeper and I have really deep dreams. So soon enough I’m sucked back into a really intense, far-away dream. This cycle continues until my zombie hand turns off the alarm on accident instead of snoozing. Then I come out of a really deep sleep to my clock that says 1:00pm. Fuck.

Then the guilt hits. I’m so irresponsible. How could I let this happen again??? I try to defend myself by claiming depression, but I’m not sad. There’s just a complete lack of motivation. Last night I even got myself psyched up for work (I’ve been busy and loving it), but the motivation does not carry through in the morning. It’s like there’s a plastic bubble around my head, keeping me from thinking rationally and it takes several times of the alarm clock going off/housemates waking me up to burst. Then I can think clearly enough to be motivated. Otherwise, I’m lost.

Is it just an accident or laziness??? I can’t tell! I want to accept it as depression because I can be really hard on myself otherwise and because I really can’t just try harder. I’m like a zombie that can’t be reasoned with. I don’t know what to do.

Let me know what you think!