On the edge of a metaphorical cliff…what to do in life after July?

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 I have been basking in the glory of having my “next step” figured out for about 9 months.  I was fully engaged and present to my post-college volunteer year in Washington. I still am enjoying the hell out of it, but now I’m nearing the end. The panic has been creeping in for about a month now. I have two more months until I am at the edge of the metaphorical cliff.

I have been ANXIOUSLY awaiting for a call back from my dream job for next year. By anxious I mean: “I’m going to have a heart attack if they don’t call  me by the end of today” three days in a row. To be fair, they said they would call “early” this week. It is Wednesday, which to  me is “mid” week, and looks like they are running out of time to call today, which looks like it will actually be a the “end” of the week.

Let me tell you why I want this job so badly. It involves traveling around the country for 8 months continuously and staying with the company’s contacts in all of the places (essentially couch surfing). To some people this would seem like a nightmare, but to me it seems like it could be the biggest adventure of my life so far. Also, I think this job was made for me. I am a natural people-person who loves to do presentations. The job is traveling to colleges to recruit for the company. Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

So you’re probably wondering how is a person who is Bipolar II going to cope with so much travel? I am going to counter that with another question; How would I survive without traveling. It is in my soul. I could not give it up for anything.

And I really have thought about the practicality of keeping a regular sleep/exercise schedule and remaining a vegetarian. I have myself convinced that it would be doable.

I DO have other half-baked plans for the cliff if this does not come through, and those too involve traveling and moving to a new city. However, getting paid to couch surf for 8 months is something I could never pass up. I am drooling thinking of the possibilities. And YES I know it will be tough, but so is everything else in life.

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Argh! So pissed at my brain!!!!!

So last night I went to bed at 11…fell asleep a 1 and then proceeded to wake up every hour on the hour until 7am. Went to work and had to leave at lunch to go home and sleep because I was so exhausted and non-functional. I went home got in my bed and laid there for an hour wrestling with my thoughts.

On top of it, did I mention I’m supposed to drive me and my housemates to the city two hours away from here to have a nice dinner and stay out late?

Awesome. I just wish someone understood!!!!!!!!! I’m so exhausted and upset with my brain that I want to cry. This is like self-inflicted torture.

I’m supposed to see my “special man friend” tonight and all I can think about is how I’m going to be no fun, pass out early, and have to painfully leave in the morning without having spent much time together. I miss him so much…I just wish we could have a good night together. :/

Now I will force myself to drink copious amounts of coffee.