Scary SH*T: I’m a LOVE-aholic

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While looking through my recent ramblings on my computer trying to come up with an idea for a blog post, I stumbled upon the contents of my previous post. You should read it before you go any further………..

Okay, ready? So it took me about 2 FULL MINUTES to figure out who this was about. Messed up, right? I assumed it was about my current off and on lover/non-boyfriend, but IT’S NOT. This is from about 9 months ago. The fact that I thought it was about him illuminates a lot about my thought pattern in relationships/non-relationships.

  • This is part of the same document my previous post came from:

Just you and me
the boy with the  hair and the girl with the sunshine smile
Let’s move to the mountains and never grow up

Now check out this poem about my current non-boyfriend.

Seriously identical ideas. This is freaking me out. My analysis of this is that my version of “prince on white horse”/”white picket fence” is running away for endless adventures and awesomeness with my lover. So my repetitiveness about every non-boyfriend I have is just that I hope everyone I become involved with will be that for me. I guess just like any girl with any of the other dreams, but I didn’t expect that from myself. I’m quite embarrassed.

  • In the same post it alludes to “broken-heart boy.” This is another non-boyfriend that came before the recent two. Seriously? This is why I have been single for almost 2 years; I’m trying to break my addiction.

So what’s wrong with me? I am like the adult version of the middle-schooler doodling her crush’s name all over her  notebook. Over and over again.

F*CK the Diagnosis; I’m still the same person. I’m tired of being hopeless.

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I’m SICK of the way I’ve been acting lately! Like it’s not bad enough to have to deal with taking meds for mental illness and the side effects. On TOP of it, I’ve abandoned myself! Every moment of the day I’m thinking about how the meds are affecting me or trying to pinpoint exactly where I am on the mood spectrum. I’m not able to help myself, and I’m the only one who can! An example is when I’m in a hypomanic spending spree. I try to stop myself, but in the end I don’t really try very hard. I end up telling myself it’s just because I’m hypomanic… “it’ll end soon, just try to spend money on inexpensive things.” This is NOT helping. I’m just laying down in front of the f*cking bulldozer! I’m passively riding it out instead of at least trying to steer a little bit.

Since I’ve been diagnosed officially, I’ve been feeling helpless. It feels like it’s a new disease I’ve just acquired and I don’t know how to deal with it. BUT I’ve been dealing with this for years! It’s not new to me. The diagnosis doesn’t change that I already know how to survive this.

On top of it, I’m forgetting to live my life! I’ve put my hobbies of cooking and running on the sidelines while I “figure out” this bipolar thing. I’m ready to admit that it’s going to take a lifetime to figure out (if ever) and my diagnosis cannot be the forerunner in my life until then. As long as I’m taking my meds and being conscious of my “crutches,” I don’t see why I should waste any more time using all of my obsessive thoughts towards what it means to be bipolar.

I will still be introspective (as always), but I need to spend more brainpower on other things.