Seroquel Makes Me BORING!!!!

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I want to give up the Seroquel. I am tired of it sedating me. I’m just not getting enough out of it to continue with the sedation. I miss 9pm-11pm!!!! That time is now me being restricted to the house when all day I am restricted to my office. I have been skipping it some nights and others I’ve been only taking a smaller dose etc. so that if I have to take it late, I won’t miss work the next day. The sedation of the 75mg is still affecting my ability to get up in the mornings. I’m done but I can’t actually stop taking it; I’m too afraid of the withdrawal. Although at this point, I would rather have to deal with some physical withdrawal than not be able to make it into work until 1pm anymore. My tolerance for this has gone way down.

I fucking miss shenanigans. Most adventurous nights in college involved drinking a lot and seeing what transpired. While this is entertaining, what I really lived for were the random nights of spontaneity like nights my friends and I would drive an hour to the beach at midnight to have a bonfire until 3 in the morning and nights we decided to stay up all night for no reason. Now my only outlets are snowboarding, thinking up pranks to pull on my housemates, and chain smoking (infrequently but still). While that sounds awesome, it’s all within a very small box of social acceptability. I hate that.

Smoking and Bipolar

 

Coming to a crossroads of decisions that need to be made, I became mentally and physically agitated. Hundreds of questions competing for attention in my mind, and the sudden need for direction from above. A need for something to turn my hundred questions into a simple five or so. I started haphazardly, madly thumbing through books I had on hand. Some self-help, some spiritual guides, and some first-hand accounts of other lives. Finding nothing to soothe myself, and hardly looking long enough to read a few sentences before moving on, I climbed out of my window, menthol cigarette and a small yellow lighter in my hand. The black air, lack of distractions, and the nicotine got me there: to a place where my brain stopped careening out of control. My thoughts became lighter, and slower, seemingly swirling about me lazily- mimicking the smoke.

Dear Brain: Shut the F*ck Up

Oh how I wish I could have a few couple of grey goose screwdrivers right about now!!! This photo is interesting and probably explains why a lot of bipolar people end up abusing alcohol. It makes your brain shut up and gives you peace from the constant bombardment or pointless/obsessive thoughts.

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I am in a very interesting but torturous place. It is definitely a mixed state that will not go away. I am sitting at work right now completely ignoring my Outlook To do list and the reminders window that keeps popping up every 10 min. I am completely obsessed with thoughts of thrifting and fashion. I desperately need a black trench coat. Like right this fucking minute and I can’t stop thinking about it. ARGH.

On top of it, I’m sedated from the Seroquel. It’s not doing anything but sedating me! This makes hypomania even worse because the thoughts are the same, but I have no energy to do anything productive, so it ends up just being thoughts without action good or bad.

Also….I have started doing a very very bad thing…I have started to bid on ebay items. I cut up my credit card last week, but my pay pal still has it stored……..goddamnit I thought my spending was put on hold.

WHY CAN’T I STOP?!? I know what I should do in about 40 minutes when work ends…I SHOULD go to the gym and deal with this energy in a healthy way. But what I really WANT to do is drive to my favorite thrift store. I keep telling myself that I’ll go straight to the coats and if they don’t have it then leave and go to the gym, but I KNOW this will not happen. I’ll keep looking until I spend another $75….did I mention I’ve done this twice in the last two months? These have not been my only trips, butseriously how do you spend $75?

FUCK. And I also try to convince myself once I give in, I will be satisfied and wont want anymore. That’s a lie, a very big lie.