It’s just about goddamned time to fall in love when you’re really trying hard not to

The world has a dark asphalt-black sheen on it that some people ignore, but others tap into and enjoy brooding about. The ones who like to smoke dirty cigarettes just because they do not want be perfect, but to be flawed. Trying to live life in a way that notices the small, peculiar, painful realities of the world and accepting that you are a part of it.

The dark face of the world has a funny way of showing up. It makes you fall in love with someone whom you have nothing in common with, with a goddamn “problem” that leaves you feeling unsatisfied, and who pretends not to even give a f*ck about you. Despite all of this, there is a connection that goes beyond. Beyond what I don’t know, but there is a fascination with who he is. And I don’t think I can be making this up. I have been known to be delusional and melodramatic about such things. Well, now that I think about it, I have been delusional in more than one instance, but that’s a story about broken-heart-boy that takes place in a hospital for another time. Logically thinking, this unspoken gravity has no definition, and is without explanation or confirmation. And it could just be nothing, but there is so much to learn about the world; what if it’s something?

Someday I’m going to be very happy and I’ll regret smoking cigarettes.

Smoking and Bipolar

 

Coming to a crossroads of decisions that need to be made, I became mentally and physically agitated. Hundreds of questions competing for attention in my mind, and the sudden need for direction from above. A need for something to turn my hundred questions into a simple five or so. I started haphazardly, madly thumbing through books I had on hand. Some self-help, some spiritual guides, and some first-hand accounts of other lives. Finding nothing to soothe myself, and hardly looking long enough to read a few sentences before moving on, I climbed out of my window, menthol cigarette and a small yellow lighter in my hand. The black air, lack of distractions, and the nicotine got me there: to a place where my brain stopped careening out of control. My thoughts became lighter, and slower, seemingly swirling about me lazily- mimicking the smoke.