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The Difference Between Normal Emotions and Mood Swings


Hey everyone!!

I have been gone for SOOOOO long! Apologies! If anyone is still following, this is an update on how I’ve been doing!

I am not on 200mg of Lamictal daily and Ive been taking 100mg twice a day at 10am and 10pm. The twice a day medication thing is challenging. Sometimes I forget in the morning until 12…then I can’t take it again until midnight. Also, I’ve been noticing when I forget a dose I start feeling really fuzzy and weird like I’m going to pass out. I’m really scared of having a seizure (one of the most common side effects of lamictal withdrawal). So I’m trying to be better about being a slave to  my phone’s alarm.

So the Lamictal is helping! I finally feel that I can decipher between normal emotions and emotions coming at me for no reason. It feels great! One day I was sad about something. A normal amount of sad, not depressed, but I kept thinking “Damnit….the lamictal is STILL not working.” Then, I realized a normal reaction in the situation was sadness and that I wouldn’t want to feel numb to it.

So that’s a really quick update! Hope everyone is doing well! I hope to be back here more often now!


Oh reaaallyyyy…..


Awesome…just awesome. Feeds into my independence streak perfectly.

Live & Learn
















Source: Mental Pinata via Observando

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Most of us stand poised of brilliance, but…

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Live & Learn

“Most of us stand poised at the edge of brilliance, haunted by the knowledge of our proximity, yet still demonstrably on the wrong side of the line, our dealings with reality undermined by a range of minor yet critical psychological flaws (a little too much optimism, an unprocessed rebelliousness, a fatal impatience or sentimentality). We are like an exquisite high-speed aircraft which for lack of a tiny part is left stranded beside the runway, rendered slower than a tractor or a bicycle.”
Alain de Botton
”The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work”



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Seroquel Makes Me BORING!!!!


I want to give up the Seroquel. I am tired of it sedating me. I’m just not getting enough out of it to continue with the sedation. I miss 9pm-11pm!!!! That time is now me being restricted to the house when all day I am restricted to my office. I have been skipping it some nights and others I’ve been only taking a smaller dose etc. so that if I have to take it late, I won’t miss work the next day. The sedation of the 75mg is still affecting my ability to get up in the mornings. I’m done but I can’t actually stop taking it; I’m too afraid of the withdrawal. Although at this point, I would rather have to deal with some physical withdrawal than not be able to make it into work until 1pm anymore. My tolerance for this has gone way down.

I fucking miss shenanigans. Most adventurous nights in college involved drinking a lot and seeing what transpired. While this is entertaining, what I really lived for were the random nights of spontaneity like nights my friends and I would drive an hour to the beach at midnight to have a bonfire until 3 in the morning and nights we decided to stay up all night for no reason. Now my only outlets are snowboarding, thinking up pranks to pull on my housemates, and chain smoking (infrequently but still). While that sounds awesome, it’s all within a very small box of social acceptability. I hate that.


I made it through this week and I was able to hold my own against my unpredictable Bipolar tendencies! I had a couple of late mornings, but I was able to make up the hours staying late a couple of nights, which was completely worth it! I am supposed to work 35 hours per week and I just made it to 34! Pretty good for dealing with being an unreasonable zombie! This is also the reason that I haven’t been posting anything lately! I’ve been working extremely hard on a project now, and it has been a while since I have been so enthralled and dedicated to something at work.

In other news, I am now taking 75mg of Seroquel daily (up from 50mg). My psychiatrist says it’s great that I have even been responding at all to such small doses, but that my life is not back to normal quite yet.

I will be thinking about interesting posts to write over the weekend to balance out this super dry, informative one. If you have any ideas/things you want to know about me, holler!

Dear Brain: Shut the F*ck Up

Oh how I wish I could have a few couple of grey goose screwdrivers right about now!!! This photo is interesting and probably explains why a lot of bipolar people end up abusing alcohol. It makes your brain shut up and gives you peace from the constant bombardment or pointless/obsessive thoughts.


I am in a very interesting but torturous place. It is definitely a mixed state that will not go away. I am sitting at work right now completely ignoring my Outlook To do list and the reminders window that keeps popping up every 10 min. I am completely obsessed with thoughts of thrifting and fashion. I desperately need a black trench coat. Like right this fucking minute and I can’t stop thinking about it. ARGH.

On top of it, I’m sedated from the Seroquel. It’s not doing anything but sedating me! This makes hypomania even worse because the thoughts are the same, but I have no energy to do anything productive, so it ends up just being thoughts without action good or bad.

Also….I have started doing a very very bad thing…I have started to bid on ebay items. I cut up my credit card last week, but my pay pal still has it stored……..goddamnit I thought my spending was put on hold.

WHY CAN’T I STOP?!? I know what I should do in about 40 minutes when work ends…I SHOULD go to the gym and deal with this energy in a healthy way. But what I really WANT to do is drive to my favorite thrift store. I keep telling myself that I’ll go straight to the coats and if they don’t have it then leave and go to the gym, but I KNOW this will not happen. I’ll keep looking until I spend another $75….did I mention I’ve done this twice in the last two months? These have not been my only trips, butseriously how do you spend $75?

FUCK. And I also try to convince myself once I give in, I will be satisfied and wont want anymore. That’s a lie, a very big lie.

Hospitalization has been suggested……Sorta kinda freaking out about how real this is

My psychiatrist just called  me back after I left him a confused voice mail on Friday morning. In my appointment last week I completely minimalized my mood swings and made it seem like the 50mg of Seroquel was really helping. It’s not.

Anyways, he just suggested that I go into inpatient care to jump up my dose of Seroquel to 300mg for a few days and get over the drowsiness because the low dose is not helping, just making me sleepy, which is enabling  my melancholic depression in the mornings. He did give me another option….stay at home under the supervision of my housemates and watch movies (surely a more wallet friendly approach).

BUT he still said “hospitalization.” This shit is getting real. I have to make the decision of whether I want to take this medication thing seriously. I mean I have been taking it fucking seriously, but it’s going to another level if I take a few days off of life to seriously DO this thing. Yikes.



What I do

So funny and true! Great way to bring humor to the topic!

Mad to Live