Joshua Walters: On being just crazy enough

Joshua Walters is a bipolar comedian whose work explores language, creativity, beatboxing and madness …

9 Minutes in Snooze Heaven and Crazy Dreams

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Hello my name is Lauren and I’m a snooze-aholic. I have a t-shirt that has the above picture on it. It was given to me by my ex-boyfriend who observed my addiction for a year and a half. I have had trouble getting out of bed since I was in high school and maybe before that.

On my bad days with depression I have extremely vivid dreams. Dreams that take over my entire consciousness. When I wake up while I’m dreaming I immediately go back to sleep to finish the dream and have no further thoughts. It’s like I’m hypnotized. This is especially damaging on mornings when I am depressed. Motivation is completely absent from my brain and the only thing worth doing is dreaming some more. It is like someone injected the motivational part of my brain with Novocaine; there is absolutely no feeling at all. So this is what happens: I snooze….for hours. This morning my first alarm went off at 7:45. I stopped snoozing at 11:30. If this seems like torture to you, you have not experienced the 9 minute dream. I had several (maybe 4-5) dreams this morning between hitting my snooze button. The only one I remember involved being some type of rodent on a balloon with other rodents (who were actually people) traveling around with the goal of reaching Jupiter. Yeah. I don’t need drugs because this is my brain.

Still does not sound that interesting? The 9 minute sleep is the most delicious sleep I have ever experienced. You stay in that just-asleep awesome relaxed state for hours.

This post is not supposed to only tell you about how awesome this is. It is a great technique for training yourself to remember your dreams (if you write down words between snoozes), but it is very unfortunate when combined with can’t-get-out-of-bed depression. It makes it almost impossible. It is hard to explain why I can’t get out of bed when I am awake (or near awake) every 9 minutes for hours. This is where the distinction between oversleeping due to an accident and depression comes into play. Someone who is depressed cannot get out of bed even if they are awake. This concept is impossible for anyone who has not experienced it themselves.

I have heard that people who are Bipolar have extremely vivid dreams compared to the normal person. Is this true? Has anyone else experienced crazy dreams like this?

Scary SH*T: I’m a LOVE-aholic

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While looking through my recent ramblings on my computer trying to come up with an idea for a blog post, I stumbled upon the contents of my previous post. You should read it before you go any further………..

Okay, ready? So it took me about 2 FULL MINUTES to figure out who this was about. Messed up, right? I assumed it was about my current off and on lover/non-boyfriend, but IT’S NOT. This is from about 9 months ago. The fact that I thought it was about him illuminates a lot about my thought pattern in relationships/non-relationships.

  • This is part of the same document my previous post came from:

Just you and me
the boy with the  hair and the girl with the sunshine smile
Let’s move to the mountains and never grow up

Now check out this poem about my current non-boyfriend.

Seriously identical ideas. This is freaking me out. My analysis of this is that my version of “prince on white horse”/”white picket fence” is running away for endless adventures and awesomeness with my lover. So my repetitiveness about every non-boyfriend I have is just that I hope everyone I become involved with will be that for me. I guess just like any girl with any of the other dreams, but I didn’t expect that from myself. I’m quite embarrassed.

  • In the same post it alludes to “broken-heart boy.” This is another non-boyfriend that came before the recent two. Seriously? This is why I have been single for almost 2 years; I’m trying to break my addiction.

So what’s wrong with me? I am like the adult version of the middle-schooler doodling her crush’s name all over her  notebook. Over and over again.

It’s just about goddamned time to fall in love when you’re really trying hard not to

The world has a dark asphalt-black sheen on it that some people ignore, but others tap into and enjoy brooding about. The ones who like to smoke dirty cigarettes just because they do not want be perfect, but to be flawed. Trying to live life in a way that notices the small, peculiar, painful realities of the world and accepting that you are a part of it.

The dark face of the world has a funny way of showing up. It makes you fall in love with someone whom you have nothing in common with, with a goddamn “problem” that leaves you feeling unsatisfied, and who pretends not to even give a f*ck about you. Despite all of this, there is a connection that goes beyond. Beyond what I don’t know, but there is a fascination with who he is. And I don’t think I can be making this up. I have been known to be delusional and melodramatic about such things. Well, now that I think about it, I have been delusional in more than one instance, but that’s a story about broken-heart-boy that takes place in a hospital for another time. Logically thinking, this unspoken gravity has no definition, and is without explanation or confirmation. And it could just be nothing, but there is so much to learn about the world; what if it’s something?

Someday I’m going to be very happy and I’ll regret smoking cigarettes.

What the heck?!?!

One of my shortest and most insignificant posts has brought obscene amounts of traffic to my blog. Apparently people searching for “happy” or “happy image” on the web are being directed here. I’m baffled and I don’t know whether to embrace it or remove the post. I would have hoped that this increase in traffic would yield more readers/followers/comments, but an audience looking for “happy” isn’t interested in a blog about being Bipolar. So what should I do? Has this happened to anyone else?

The Bipolar Owl…EPIC Bipolar Meme Community Page

http://bipolarowl.tumblr.com/

Like It Should Be

Let’s run away tomorrow

and live in a yurt

Many nights entwined and

days spent in the dirt

On a farm growing flowers,

spinach, and fruits

We’d entertain each other;

always in cahoots

 

Let’s fly away next weekend

and stay in hotels

Impulses pulse together

we run like gazelles

With capes flowing behind us

to find the next thrill

A twenty hour chapel

and headaches that kill

 

Let’s drive away in July

and camp under stars

With backpacks and gas lamps

finding all that’s ours

Traipsing aimlessly about

Searching out fossils

Making shit up like we are

the goddamned apostles

The Versatile Blogger Nomination and Awards!

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What me???? YES! I have received an award and I am very proud. I have only been blogging for a few weeks, so this is quite unexpected! Thank you thank you thank you Miss Mental Health!!!

The rules:

  •  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
  •  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

I would like to nominate 15 more bloggers for the Versatile Blogger award! (In no particular order….trust me I’m not that organized 😉 )

1.  The Life and Times of a Dynasticmorph

2. Struggling with Bipolar

3. Manic Muses

4. The Bipolarized

5. Winning with Bipolar

6. Living to the Bipolar Rhythm

7. The Life You Save May Be Your Own

8. Up’s and Down’s of Bipolar II

9. Bipolar: Writing for Therapy & My Life

10. Bi[polar] Curious

11. Disorderly Chickadee

12. Living with Bipolar

13.  Pebbles & Marbles

14. Slow the Racing Mind

15. Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars

 

7 Things About ME

1.  I love Indian Food. I could eat it every day. I’m serious.

2.  I am from California, but now I live in Washington state.

3. I snowboard!!!

4. I have been skydiving.

5. I love being single and I am about to celebrate my 1.5 year anniversary with myself!

6. I speak (almost) fluent Spanish.

7. I love animals and someday I am going to be a Veterinarian.

Thanks again Miss Mental Health for the nomination!!! Looking forward to learning more about everyone on my list!

THINGS and SITUATIONS: How to Have Healthy Relationships

This has been a difficult post to write, since most of my post are spastic and spur-of-the-moment, but this topic is very important to me.

What is your relationship with exercise? With food? With alcohol? With TV? With shopping? I doubt most people have willingly reflected on these questions.

What do you mean “what is my relationship”? I mean what are your emotional associations and habits that go with this activity or thing?

For example, I will share about my relationship with exercise. Exercise has never been a constant in my life until recently. I ran cross country and played softball in high school, but just barely tolerated the vigorous running schedule and the sprinting drills. I got to college and I did not work out. Ever. Luckily I have a fast metabolism and danced (a LOT) every time I went out. The rest of college pretty much went the same way. I felt a lot of pressure to be fit, but I could never commit to a lifestyle change or even a steady schedule. This was due to my relationship with exercise.

My relationship before August: I felt a lot of guilt whenever I thought I should be more fit or exercising. I though it was something that people forced themselves to do. I thought it would be a huge adjustment to make my life more active. Every time I went I thought I was not doing enough, or that people in the gym who were regulars were judging me. Therefore I had a terrible abusive relationship with exercise.

My progression towards a healthy relationship with exercise started when I  moved to Washington in August and was surrounded by my housemates who were all active people. We would go to the gym together, and there was no pressure from them. I also did not know anyone in my gym (it is really important for me to remain anonymous in that place because it’s a vulnerable place for me), so did not feel judged. Hell, for all they knew I was already a marathon runner :P. I adopted a new attitude. Simply showing up at the gym for me was enough. The act of going to the gym was where I derived my satisfaction, not based on how much I accomplished. BUT surprisingly, whenever I would go to they gym I really would try hard and accomplish more than I expected. This is because the only expectations I had was that I would go there and do something. I did not expect to run 20 miles a week or go to the gym everyday.

My relationship now: Tada! My relationship has evolved. I have accepted that being active is something my body needs (just like your dog needs to be taken on walks…my legs need to be taken to run/bike!). I hold myself to low standards, and my only expectation is that my life continues to be an active one. I love going to the gym….it’s a place where my mind has no place and my body takes over (which is a very welcome relief). I feel like I belong there.

Now that I have moved the relationship to a positive one; Where do I think my relationship can take me next? I think that the longer my life is an active one, the more I can elevate my standards. I can start to train for a half-marathon and be confident I will not let myself down. Even if I miss a day of training, I will be kind to myself, and be more ready to get back at it the next day.

I just HAVE to ask……

What is your experience with Mary Jane and Bipolar disorder? My housemates and I watched The Union: The Business Behind Getting High a few nights ago. It’s a documentary about the history of Marijuana in the United States and the political and cultural atmosphere surrounding the issue of legalization.

I have been trying to live my recent life in the most natural and healthy way. I am a vegetarian, being active is a consistent part of my life, and I’m always thinking about how to simplify my actions and habits.

The documentary brought up an interesting point: Marijuana has been used as medicine for centuries, and has proven (in unpublicized studies….guess the govt didn’t like what they were saying) that the effects on health are minimal (especially compared to alcohol).

(DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a stoner. My usage and experience is limited.)

I started thinking about Seroquel and other medication used to treat bipolar disorder, and all of the effects they have on your body. It scares me. Another thing I know is that marijuana calms people down (possible help to hypomania/mania),  and it gives you a sense of calm or numbness. Waking up in the morning after smoking I feel refreshed, happy, and ready to go.

Would using marijuana, strictly for medical purposes at night and during hypomania, help treat bipolar disorder with minimal to no side effects? I really would like to know what your experiences have been and how it affects you.

If you’re interested you can watch the full documentary HERE.