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Scary SH*T: I’m a LOVE-aholic


While looking through my recent ramblings on my computer trying to come up with an idea for a blog post, I stumbled upon the contents of my previous post. You should read it before you go any further………..

Okay, ready? So it took me about 2 FULL MINUTES to figure out who this was about. Messed up, right? I assumed it was about my current off and on lover/non-boyfriend, but IT’S NOT. This is from about 9 months ago. The fact that I thought it was about him illuminates a lot about my thought pattern in relationships/non-relationships.

  • This is part of the same document my previous post came from:

Just you and me
the boy with the  hair and the girl with the sunshine smile
Let’s move to the mountains and never grow up

Now check out this poem about my current non-boyfriend.

Seriously identical ideas. This is freaking me out. My analysis of this is that my version of “prince on white horse”/”white picket fence” is running away for endless adventures and awesomeness with my lover. So my repetitiveness about every non-boyfriend I have is just that I hope everyone I become involved with will be that for me. I guess just like any girl with any of the other dreams, but I didn’t expect that from myself. I’m quite embarrassed.

  • In the same post it alludes to “broken-heart boy.” This is another non-boyfriend that came before the recent two. Seriously? This is why I have been single for almost 2 years; I’m trying to break my addiction.

So what’s wrong with me? I am like the adult version of the middle-schooler doodling her crush’s name all over her  notebook. Over and over again.


It’s just about goddamned time to fall in love when you’re really trying hard not to

The world has a dark asphalt-black sheen on it that some people ignore, but others tap into and enjoy brooding about. The ones who like to smoke dirty cigarettes just because they do not want be perfect, but to be flawed. Trying to live life in a way that notices the small, peculiar, painful realities of the world and accepting that you are a part of it.

The dark face of the world has a funny way of showing up. It makes you fall in love with someone whom you have nothing in common with, with a goddamn “problem” that leaves you feeling unsatisfied, and who pretends not to even give a f*ck about you. Despite all of this, there is a connection that goes beyond. Beyond what I don’t know, but there is a fascination with who he is. And I don’t think I can be making this up. I have been known to be delusional and melodramatic about such things. Well, now that I think about it, I have been delusional in more than one instance, but that’s a story about broken-heart-boy that takes place in a hospital for another time. Logically thinking, this unspoken gravity has no definition, and is without explanation or confirmation. And it could just be nothing, but there is so much to learn about the world; what if it’s something?

Someday I’m going to be very happy and I’ll regret smoking cigarettes.

THINGS and SITUATIONS: How to Have Healthy Relationships

This has been a difficult post to write, since most of my post are spastic and spur-of-the-moment, but this topic is very important to me.

What is your relationship with exercise? With food? With alcohol? With TV? With shopping? I doubt most people have willingly reflected on these questions.

What do you mean “what is my relationship”? I mean what are your emotional associations and habits that go with this activity or thing?

For example, I will share about my relationship with exercise. Exercise has never been a constant in my life until recently. I ran cross country and played softball in high school, but just barely tolerated the vigorous running schedule and the sprinting drills. I got to college and I did not work out. Ever. Luckily I have a fast metabolism and danced (a LOT) every time I went out. The rest of college pretty much went the same way. I felt a lot of pressure to be fit, but I could never commit to a lifestyle change or even a steady schedule. This was due to my relationship with exercise.

My relationship before August: I felt a lot of guilt whenever I thought I should be more fit or exercising. I though it was something that people forced themselves to do. I thought it would be a huge adjustment to make my life more active. Every time I went I thought I was not doing enough, or that people in the gym who were regulars were judging me. Therefore I had a terrible abusive relationship with exercise.

My progression towards a healthy relationship with exercise started when I  moved to Washington in August and was surrounded by my housemates who were all active people. We would go to the gym together, and there was no pressure from them. I also did not know anyone in my gym (it is really important for me to remain anonymous in that place because it’s a vulnerable place for me), so did not feel judged. Hell, for all they knew I was already a marathon runner :P. I adopted a new attitude. Simply showing up at the gym for me was enough. The act of going to the gym was where I derived my satisfaction, not based on how much I accomplished. BUT surprisingly, whenever I would go to they gym I really would try hard and accomplish more than I expected. This is because the only expectations I had was that I would go there and do something. I did not expect to run 20 miles a week or go to the gym everyday.

My relationship now: Tada! My relationship has evolved. I have accepted that being active is something my body needs (just like your dog needs to be taken on walks…my legs need to be taken to run/bike!). I hold myself to low standards, and my only expectation is that my life continues to be an active one. I love going to the gym….it’s a place where my mind has no place and my body takes over (which is a very welcome relief). I feel like I belong there.

Now that I have moved the relationship to a positive one; Where do I think my relationship can take me next? I think that the longer my life is an active one, the more I can elevate my standards. I can start to train for a half-marathon and be confident I will not let myself down. Even if I miss a day of training, I will be kind to myself, and be more ready to get back at it the next day.

I just HAVE to ask……

What is your experience with Mary Jane and Bipolar disorder? My housemates and I watched The Union: The Business Behind Getting High a few nights ago. It’s a documentary about the history of Marijuana in the United States and the political and cultural atmosphere surrounding the issue of legalization.

I have been trying to live my recent life in the most natural and healthy way. I am a vegetarian, being active is a consistent part of my life, and I’m always thinking about how to simplify my actions and habits.

The documentary brought up an interesting point: Marijuana has been used as medicine for centuries, and has proven (in unpublicized studies….guess the govt didn’t like what they were saying) that the effects on health are minimal (especially compared to alcohol).

(DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a stoner. My usage and experience is limited.)

I started thinking about Seroquel and other medication used to treat bipolar disorder, and all of the effects they have on your body. It scares me. Another thing I know is that marijuana calms people down (possible help to hypomania/mania),  and it gives you a sense of calm or numbness. Waking up in the morning after smoking I feel refreshed, happy, and ready to go.

Would using marijuana, strictly for medical purposes at night and during hypomania, help treat bipolar disorder with minimal to no side effects? I really would like to know what your experiences have been and how it affects you.

If you’re interested you can watch the full documentary HERE.

Bipolar Authors and Characters

Was Jack Kerouac Bipolar?

What about Holden Caulfield?

I always wondered why Catcher in the Rye was my favorite book.

I’ll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened to me around last Christmas just before I got pretty run-down and had to come out here and take it easy.

– Holden Caulfield, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Sounds like many episodes I have had.

Why Decide Now?

Another post.

Infinite Adventure

I really dislike it when people say they “need to decide what to do with the rest of their lives.” Why in the world would you want to devote such an amount of time to one thing? I understand people want security and a plan, but, honestly, who would feel any sort of zest for life if you could figure out your entire life tomorrow?

Why not do many different things in your life? Be different people, have new relationships, live in many places. In fact, “what am I going to do in the next 2 years” would be a much more fitting question. This is enough time to make serious progress on a goal (like going to grad school), but not deciding your entire life.

I also think people are too focussed on developing their career and not as focussed as they should be on developing themselves as a…

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The Adventure Creed

Thoughts on life from my previous blog.

Infinite Adventure

The following list contains my basic guidelines for finding adventure in your everyday life. If you follow these few rules I guarantee, before you know it, your life will be full of new and crazy experiences!

1. The first step is to set your top priorities. My priorities are my family, school, my close relationships, and staying healthy.

2. Next, you must agree to any adventure that does not contradict or endanger your top priorities. The priorities ensure that even though you will be making new experiences, you will not neglect the important things and people in your life.

3. Realize that the best path to adventure is through meeting new people. You must befriend many different kinds of people who can show you different experiences that you might not have experienced otherwise.

4. Embrace every new experience. And YES this does include even the experiences that…

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