Scary SH*T: I’m a LOVE-aholic

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While looking through my recent ramblings on my computer trying to come up with an idea for a blog post, I stumbled upon the contents of my previous post. You should read it before you go any further………..

Okay, ready? So it took me about 2 FULL MINUTES to figure out who this was about. Messed up, right? I assumed it was about my current off and on lover/non-boyfriend, but IT’S NOT. This is from about 9 months ago. The fact that I thought it was about him illuminates a lot about my thought pattern in relationships/non-relationships.

  • This is part of the same document my previous post came from:

Just you and me
the boy with the  hair and the girl with the sunshine smile
Let’s move to the mountains and never grow up

Now check out this poem about my current non-boyfriend.

Seriously identical ideas. This is freaking me out. My analysis of this is that my version of “prince on white horse”/”white picket fence” is running away for endless adventures and awesomeness with my lover. So my repetitiveness about every non-boyfriend I have is just that I hope everyone I become involved with will be that for me. I guess just like any girl with any of the other dreams, but I didn’t expect that from myself. I’m quite embarrassed.

  • In the same post it alludes to “broken-heart boy.” This is another non-boyfriend that came before the recent two. Seriously? This is why I have been single for almost 2 years; I’m trying to break my addiction.

So what’s wrong with me? I am like the adult version of the middle-schooler doodling her crush’s name all over her  notebook. Over and over again.

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8 Comments

  1. Davies, G J

     /  May 16, 2012

    The “symptoms” of falling in love and those of mania are not all that dissimilar I find. Mania, however, is without fixation, flitting, semi-random. Do we, perhaps, fixate on ill-fitting others in order to have a target for our churning, blizzarding feelings? So that they appear more grounded, to make sense, to have a goal?

    To break this “addiction” – which is the same as saying, to find a calm place inside that is not seeking or yearning – is essentially the same process as talking ourselves down from any high.

    Best,
    GJD

    Reply
    • That is an excellent point, you may have just figured me out :). The place of non-yearning is what I strive for, and, honestly, with me it is not just with men, it is with everything from material possessions to experiences.

      Something that I failed to mention is that I tend to get into relationships when I am depressed (winter) because I feel so empty and I crave the intimacy. And I tend to have exaggerated feelings for people I shouldn’t when I am hypo manic (spring). Maybe what I am talking about above is my feelings becoming obsessive and out of control with relationships just as my feelings are for everything in life at the same point in time.

      Thank you for taking the time to create such a thoughtful response! It really helped me develop my own thoughts further. I appreciate it. 😀

      Reply
      • Davies, G J

         /  May 17, 2012

        I have similar seasonal associations to you , which is interesting. Felt strong echoes in myself with what you have said here about “love” as well, which led me to suppose we might be acting in a similar manner. I say “love” in quotes because that sort of lopsided fixation has little to do with the real, mutual understanding of two people who really care for one another, at least I do not think so.

        Oh, but that burning, seeking, hungry feeling of mania! I guess it is about that time again…? Best look after ourselves. 🙂

      • Agreed 🙂

    • Also, couldn’t help but notice your taste for electronic music on your gravatar page. Awesome.

      Reply
    • I have been looking into this more and found a neuroscience blog about love, hypomania, and cocaine and the similarities since they all increase dopamine levels. http://theilluminatedbrain.com/behavioral-neuroscience/what-does-love-cocaine-and-hypomania-have-in-common/

      Reply
      • Davies, G J

         /  May 19, 2012

        Very interesting. Perhaps this explains why, on the only two occasions I ever tried cocaine, it appeared to have no effect on me whatsoever?

      • That is exactly the same for me. Same feeling as hypo mania but I didn’t feel high. Bc to me that’s a normal feeling lol. Interesting that other ppl love it.

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