Smoking and Bipolar

 

Coming to a crossroads of decisions that need to be made, I became mentally and physically agitated. Hundreds of questions competing for attention in my mind, and the sudden need for direction from above. A need for something to turn my hundred questions into a simple five or so. I started haphazardly, madly thumbing through books I had on hand. Some self-help, some spiritual guides, and some first-hand accounts of other lives. Finding nothing to soothe myself, and hardly looking long enough to read a few sentences before moving on, I climbed out of my window, menthol cigarette and a small yellow lighter in my hand. The black air, lack of distractions, and the nicotine got me there: to a place where my brain stopped careening out of control. My thoughts became lighter, and slower, seemingly swirling about me lazily- mimicking the smoke.

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4 Comments

  1. Yep. Me too.

    I don’t love that I’m smoking (again) but it does slow me down.

    Reply
  2. I don’t have a good excuse for being a smoker. All my excuses seem to be there because I don’t really want to quit. Reasons are pretty stupid too; The comfort, the distraction, the smell and taste I got used to, my self-image… Should we really give up our health and money for these things?

    Reply
    • I don’t know the answer, but the smoking ritual is definitely a hard one to break. Is there another socially acceptable way to stand somewhere and do nothing? 🙂 I love having that time for my brain.

      Reply

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