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Oh reaaallyyyy…..



BP Drugs Take 3: LAMICTAL


You haven’t heard from me in a while. Mostly because I’ve been non-compliant and back in denial for a week. Went off the Seroquel on my birthday, which to be fair was actually a semi-thought out plan; I’d been tapering for about a week before that. I just couldn’t deal with the sedation and it wasn’t helping a lot.

So I saw my psychiatrist today and I told him that I wanted to try something different. He suggested either Abilify or Lamictal. I picked to try Lamictal because why not try something very different from Seroquel? Also, the Seroquel was changing my thought process…I almost felt like I was high or seeing the world through metaphoric glasses. So here goes anti-convulsants instead of atypical anti-psychotics. 🙂

I was also really attracted to Lamictal’s anti-depressant properties since that’s still my main problem.

I’m taking my first dose as soon as I get off work and get to the pharmacy. Wish me luck! I would love to know of your experiences with Lamictal (good or bad….and don’t worry I will be on the lookout for the infamous deadly rash)!

Awesome…just awesome. Feeds into my independence streak perfectly.

Live & Learn
















Source: Mental Pinata via Observando

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Most of us stand poised of brilliance, but…

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Live & Learn

“Most of us stand poised at the edge of brilliance, haunted by the knowledge of our proximity, yet still demonstrably on the wrong side of the line, our dealings with reality undermined by a range of minor yet critical psychological flaws (a little too much optimism, an unprocessed rebelliousness, a fatal impatience or sentimentality). We are like an exquisite high-speed aircraft which for lack of a tiny part is left stranded beside the runway, rendered slower than a tractor or a bicycle.”
Alain de Botton
”The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work”



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It’s My Birthday and I Can Quit My Meds If I Want To!


Yes, it really is my Birthday!!!! I am officially 23 years old! And I did quit the Seroquel. I have been very “noncompliant” the last week by taking only 50 or 25mg of the recommended 75. Truthfully, the only reason I still took it last week was because I was afraid of withdrawal. Now I am off the meds officially! We shall see how long this lasts since when I see my counselor on Friday she will probably encourage me to call my psychiatrist asap. I have been such a good patient up until now. I just don’t think that the drowsiness goes with ME. I am already a terribly slow morning person. I know that Seroquel is supposed to be the “good guy” too, but I think I need to try something else. Maybe something with more potential side effects but that will effect my life less as I get used to it. We will see!

Seroquel Makes Me BORING!!!!


I want to give up the Seroquel. I am tired of it sedating me. I’m just not getting enough out of it to continue with the sedation. I miss 9pm-11pm!!!! That time is now me being restricted to the house when all day I am restricted to my office. I have been skipping it some nights and others I’ve been only taking a smaller dose etc. so that if I have to take it late, I won’t miss work the next day. The sedation of the 75mg is still affecting my ability to get up in the mornings. I’m done but I can’t actually stop taking it; I’m too afraid of the withdrawal. Although at this point, I would rather have to deal with some physical withdrawal than not be able to make it into work until 1pm anymore. My tolerance for this has gone way down.

I fucking miss shenanigans. Most adventurous nights in college involved drinking a lot and seeing what transpired. While this is entertaining, what I really lived for were the random nights of spontaneity like nights my friends and I would drive an hour to the beach at midnight to have a bonfire until 3 in the morning and nights we decided to stay up all night for no reason. Now my only outlets are snowboarding, thinking up pranks to pull on my housemates, and chain smoking (infrequently but still). While that sounds awesome, it’s all within a very small box of social acceptability. I hate that.

Smoking and Bipolar


Coming to a crossroads of decisions that need to be made, I became mentally and physically agitated. Hundreds of questions competing for attention in my mind, and the sudden need for direction from above. A need for something to turn my hundred questions into a simple five or so. I started haphazardly, madly thumbing through books I had on hand. Some self-help, some spiritual guides, and some first-hand accounts of other lives. Finding nothing to soothe myself, and hardly looking long enough to read a few sentences before moving on, I climbed out of my window, menthol cigarette and a small yellow lighter in my hand. The black air, lack of distractions, and the nicotine got me there: to a place where my brain stopped careening out of control. My thoughts became lighter, and slower, seemingly swirling about me lazily- mimicking the smoke.

The Bipolar Owl…EPIC Bipolar Meme Community Page



I made it through this week and I was able to hold my own against my unpredictable Bipolar tendencies! I had a couple of late mornings, but I was able to make up the hours staying late a couple of nights, which was completely worth it! I am supposed to work 35 hours per week and I just made it to 34! Pretty good for dealing with being an unreasonable zombie! This is also the reason that I haven’t been posting anything lately! I’ve been working extremely hard on a project now, and it has been a while since I have been so enthralled and dedicated to something at work.

In other news, I am now taking 75mg of Seroquel daily (up from 50mg). My psychiatrist says it’s great that I have even been responding at all to such small doses, but that my life is not back to normal quite yet.

I will be thinking about interesting posts to write over the weekend to balance out this super dry, informative one. If you have any ideas/things you want to know about me, holler!

Like It Should Be

Let’s run away tomorrow

and live in a yurt

Many nights entwined and

days spent in the dirt

On a farm growing flowers,

spinach, and fruits

We’d entertain each other;

always in cahoots


Let’s fly away next weekend

and stay in hotels

Impulses pulse together

we run like gazelles

With capes flowing behind us

to find the next thrill

A twenty hour chapel

and headaches that kill


Let’s drive away in July

and camp under stars

With backpacks and gas lamps

finding all that’s ours

Traipsing aimlessly about

Searching out fossils

Making shit up like we are

the goddamned apostles