Dear Brain: Shut the F*ck Up

Oh how I wish I could have a few couple of grey goose screwdrivers right about now!!! This photo is interesting and probably explains why a lot of bipolar people end up abusing alcohol. It makes your brain shut up and gives you peace from the constant bombardment or pointless/obsessive thoughts.

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I am in a very interesting but torturous place. It is definitely a mixed state that will not go away. I am sitting at work right now completely ignoring my Outlook To do list and the reminders window that keeps popping up every 10 min. I am completely obsessed with thoughts of thrifting and fashion. I desperately need a black trench coat. Like right this fucking minute and I can’t stop thinking about it. ARGH.

On top of it, I’m sedated from the Seroquel. It’s not doing anything but sedating me! This makes hypomania even worse because the thoughts are the same, but I have no energy to do anything productive, so it ends up just being thoughts without action good or bad.

Also….I have started doing a very very bad thing…I have started to bid on ebay items. I cut up my credit card last week, but my pay pal still has it stored……..goddamnit I thought my spending was put on hold.

WHY CAN’T I STOP?!? I know what I should do in about 40 minutes when work ends…I SHOULD go to the gym and deal with this energy in a healthy way. But what I really WANT to do is drive to my favorite thrift store. I keep telling myself that I’ll go straight to the coats and if they don’t have it then leave and go to the gym, but I KNOW this will not happen. I’ll keep looking until I spend another $75….did I mention I’ve done this twice in the last two months? These have not been my only trips, butseriously how do you spend $75?

FUCK. And I also try to convince myself once I give in, I will be satisfied and wont want anymore. That’s a lie, a very big lie.

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8 Comments

  1. Yeah tell me about the sweet zombification of seroquel. It was a great calmer of my condition though. Anyway, I drank today (only to tipsy-ness) for the first time in forever for the exact same reason. Funny how much we can be in-synch sometimes.

    Reply
  2. Meds don’t make you feel too good either. They’re kind of funny. An intoxication of their own.

    Reply
    • true…if I take Seroquel then stay up I might as well be drunk. I bump into counters and slur my speech. LOL it’s pretty funny for my housemates.

      Reply
      • Yeah it never happened that I stayed up after seroquel. The clumsiness that came the next day make me only imagine what could have happened if I had stayed up. It’s not something you take forever though, and dose reductions happen quickly, so hang in there.

      • Thanks!

  3. I understand the intoxicating effects of all the things you’re writing about. I have a long, horrific history of alcohol abuse, and I’m happy to say I’ve got 12 years of sobriety. I wish I could say I’ve been off the spending sprees for that long. I’ve been through bankruptcy once, and I have credit card debt I can’t repay now.

    Just this morning, I was salivating over two beautiful shirts on eBay. Luckily, I got distracted without bidding, and the auctions ended. So did I pat myself on the back and move on? No. I ordered a Kindle from Amazon! Damn. I can’t stop either.

    Hang in there.

    Reply
    • I wish there was something to help us stay away from sites like amazon and ebay!!!! I swear to god you could map my moods over the past 3 years just by making a graph of my amazon.com purchase history. I wish some giant blue gnome dropped out of the sky every time I wanted to buy something and chased me away from my computer or whatever store I’m in!

      It would be interesting to have a service dog who did this….hmmmmmmm.

      Reply

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