F*CK the Diagnosis; I’m still the same person. I’m tired of being hopeless.

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I’m SICK of the way I’ve been acting lately! Like it’s not bad enough to have to deal with taking meds for mental illness and the side effects. On TOP of it, I’ve abandoned myself! Every moment of the day I’m thinking about how the meds are affecting me or trying to pinpoint exactly where I am on the mood spectrum. I’m not able to help myself, and I’m the only one who can! An example is when I’m in a hypomanic spending spree. I try to stop myself, but in the end I don’t really try very hard. I end up telling myself it’s just because I’m hypomanic… “it’ll end soon, just try to spend money on inexpensive things.” This is NOT helping. I’m just laying down in front of the f*cking bulldozer! I’m passively riding it out instead of at least trying to steer a little bit.

Since I’ve been diagnosed officially, I’ve been feeling helpless. It feels like it’s a new disease I’ve just acquired and I don’t know how to deal with it. BUT I’ve been dealing with this for years! It’s not new to me. The diagnosis doesn’t change that I already know how to survive this.

On top of it, I’m forgetting to live my life! I’ve put my hobbies of cooking and running on the sidelines while I “figure out” this bipolar thing. I’m ready to admit that it’s going to take a lifetime to figure out (if ever) and my diagnosis cannot be the forerunner in my life until then. As long as I’m taking my meds and being conscious of my “crutches,” I don’t see why I should waste any more time using all of my obsessive thoughts towards what it means to be bipolar.

I will still be introspective (as always), but I need to spend more brainpower on other things.

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4 Comments

  1. This is so like my life!

    Reply
  2. “it’ll end soon, just try to spend money on inexpensive things.”
    ha! this is my favorite justification too. if i buy 50 things & they’re all on sale for $2 each, it’s not as bad! or, if i impulse buy a lot of art stuff i justify it because “being creative is good & i’ll end up using all this stuff eventually”
    & if i’m broke & can’t justify superficial spending i’ll go grocery shopping instead. everyone needs food, right? but i’ll be the one with the full grocery cart when i’m only cooking for one.

    it is definitely a need; feels more like an addiction than anything. i can always tell when i’m about to relapse when i get the urge to just shop. walking around the store thinking, “what do i need/want/can get?” le sigh.

    Reply

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