I have been gone for SOOOOO long! Apologies! If anyone is still following, this is an update on how I’ve been doing!
I am not on 200mg of Lamictal daily and Ive been taking 100mg twice a day at 10am and 10pm. The twice a day medication thing is challenging. Sometimes I forget in the morning until 12…then I can’t take it again until midnight. Also, I’ve been noticing when I forget a dose I start feeling really fuzzy and weird like I’m going to pass out. I’m really scared of having a seizure (one of the most common side effects of lamictal withdrawal). So I’m trying to be better about being a slave to my phone’s alarm.
So the Lamictal is helping! I finally feel that I can decipher between normal emotions and emotions coming at me for no reason. It feels great! One day I was sad about something. A normal amount of sad, not depressed, but I kept thinking “Damnit….the lamictal is STILL not working.” Then, I realized a normal reaction in the situation was sadness and that I wouldn’t want to feel numb to it.
So that’s a really quick update! Hope everyone is doing well! I hope to be back here more often now!
Posted by bprubble on July 5, 2012
On people expecting me to be better, forgetting I’m sick and work relationships in general.
Posted by bprubble on May 24, 2012
Joshua Walters is a bipolar comedian whose work explores language, creativity, beatboxing and madness …
Posted by bprubble on May 18, 2012
No one would know it. I look fine. On bad days I put a large amount of effort into looking presentable, clean, and even stylish. I focus on not stressing myself out about it when I do manage to get out of bed. I take the time to shower, get dressed, and eat a healthy meal before getting to work very late. Even now that I’m at work I get a fair amount done, and everyone sees that I am being productive. I’m sure to them it seems as if I chose not to come into work this morning. I did not choose it.
My housemate has expressed her suspicions that I am not where I say I am. She has this fantasy that I am having a great time instead of being at work. I can’t help but wonder if this same suspicion is shared by some of my co-workers. It is hard for them to understand. About a month and a half ago I let them all know I’ve been struggling with a health issue. They were supportive and starting asking me how I was doing. Now that I was getting back to normal and my sudden relapses remain unexplained, the understanding has been replaced yet again by confusion and suspicion. On top of it they see me taking off early on occasional Fridays to go on trips with my housemates and think “she’s acting fine now.” They do not understand though if I do not do the social/fun things with my housemates that it will be worse for me. Recovering from depression/bipolar mood swings is not all about rest like a physical ailment is. Of course my therapist would probably say something along the lines of “You do not know what people are thinking so don’t assume it is bad.”
Also, here is something worth mentioning: I am a volunteer. I do get paid a little, but it’s not like I am missing hours at a real job and then taking more vacation time off. Being a volunteer does not make me less dedicated to my job, but I feel better about taking time I need for myself.
Somehow through dealing with this all throughout college, I only experienced one time when I completely shut down for about a week and forgot all responsibilities. I am pretty good at keeping myself close to afloat (or I have been lucky enough not to experience a more severe episode). I hate to admit this but I read about other people going off the grid for weeks, and it sounds kind of nice. I know letting myself down there would be more painful, but when I am so exhausted/depressed like this it just seems like it would be nice to come out to everyone in my life that I am not well and disappear for a bed vacation.
Posted by bprubble on May 18, 2012
I have been basking in the glory of having my “next step” figured out for about 9 months. I was fully engaged and present to my post-college volunteer year in Washington. I still am enjoying the hell out of it, but now I’m nearing the end. The panic has been creeping in for about a month now. I have two more months until I am at the edge of the metaphorical cliff.
I have been ANXIOUSLY awaiting for a call back from my dream job for next year. By anxious I mean: “I’m going to have a heart attack if they don’t call me by the end of today” three days in a row. To be fair, they said they would call “early” this week. It is Wednesday, which to me is “mid” week, and looks like they are running out of time to call today, which looks like it will actually be a the “end” of the week.
Let me tell you why I want this job so badly. It involves traveling around the country for 8 months continuously and staying with the company’s contacts in all of the places (essentially couch surfing). To some people this would seem like a nightmare, but to me it seems like it could be the biggest adventure of my life so far. Also, I think this job was made for me. I am a natural people-person who loves to do presentations. The job is traveling to colleges to recruit for the company. Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
So you’re probably wondering how is a person who is Bipolar II going to cope with so much travel? I am going to counter that with another question; How would I survive without traveling. It is in my soul. I could not give it up for anything.
And I really have thought about the practicality of keeping a regular sleep/exercise schedule and remaining a vegetarian. I have myself convinced that it would be doable.
I DO have other half-baked plans for the cliff if this does not come through, and those too involve traveling and moving to a new city. However, getting paid to couch surf for 8 months is something I could never pass up. I am drooling thinking of the possibilities. And YES I know it will be tough, but so is everything else in life.
Posted by bprubble on May 16, 2012
While looking through my recent ramblings on my computer trying to come up with an idea for a blog post, I stumbled upon the contents of my previous post. You should read it before you go any further………..
Okay, ready? So it took me about 2 FULL MINUTES to figure out who this was about. Messed up, right? I assumed it was about my current off and on lover/non-boyfriend, but IT’S NOT. This is from about 9 months ago. The fact that I thought it was about him illuminates a lot about my thought pattern in relationships/non-relationships.
- This is part of the same document my previous post came from:
Just you and me
the boy with the hair and the girl with the sunshine smile
Let’s move to the mountains and never grow up
Now check out this poem about my current non-boyfriend.
Seriously identical ideas. This is freaking me out. My analysis of this is that my version of “prince on white horse”/”white picket fence” is running away for endless adventures and awesomeness with my lover. So my repetitiveness about every non-boyfriend I have is just that I hope everyone I become involved with will be that for me. I guess just like any girl with any of the other dreams, but I didn’t expect that from myself. I’m quite embarrassed.
- In the same post it alludes to “broken-heart boy.” This is another non-boyfriend that came before the recent two. Seriously? This is why I have been single for almost 2 years; I’m trying to break my addiction.
So what’s wrong with me? I am like the adult version of the middle-schooler doodling her crush’s name all over her notebook. Over and over again.
Posted by bprubble on May 8, 2012
The world has a dark asphalt-black sheen on it that some people ignore, but others tap into and enjoy brooding about. The ones who like to smoke dirty cigarettes just because they do not want be perfect, but to be flawed. Trying to live life in a way that notices the small, peculiar, painful realities of the world and accepting that you are a part of it.
The dark face of the world has a funny way of showing up. It makes you fall in love with someone whom you have nothing in common with, with a goddamn “problem” that leaves you feeling unsatisfied, and who pretends not to even give a f*ck about you. Despite all of this, there is a connection that goes beyond. Beyond what I don’t know, but there is a fascination with who he is. And I don’t think I can be making this up. I have been known to be delusional and melodramatic about such things. Well, now that I think about it, I have been delusional in more than one instance, but that’s a story about broken-heart-boy that takes place in a hospital for another time. Logically thinking, this unspoken gravity has no definition, and is without explanation or confirmation. And it could just be nothing, but there is so much to learn about the world; what if it’s something?
Someday I’m going to be very happy and I’ll regret smoking cigarettes.
Posted by bprubble on May 8, 2012
So last night I went to bed at 11…fell asleep a 1 and then proceeded to wake up every hour on the hour until 7am. Went to work and had to leave at lunch to go home and sleep because I was so exhausted and non-functional. I went home got in my bed and laid there for an hour wrestling with my thoughts.
On top of it, did I mention I’m supposed to drive me and my housemates to the city two hours away from here to have a nice dinner and stay out late?
Awesome. I just wish someone understood!!!!!!!!! I’m so exhausted and upset with my brain that I want to cry. This is like self-inflicted torture.
I’m supposed to see my “special man friend” tonight and all I can think about is how I’m going to be no fun, pass out early, and have to painfully leave in the morning without having spent much time together. I miss him so much…I just wish we could have a good night together.
Now I will force myself to drink copious amounts of coffee.
Posted by bprubble on May 4, 2012
One of my shortest and most insignificant posts has brought obscene amounts of traffic to my blog. Apparently people searching for “happy” or “happy image” on the web are being directed here. I’m baffled and I don’t know whether to embrace it or remove the post. I would have hoped that this increase in traffic would yield more readers/followers/comments, but an audience looking for “happy” isn’t interested in a blog about being Bipolar. So what should I do? Has this happened to anyone else?
Posted by bprubble on May 2, 2012